I’m just going to say I’m sorry to all of you “optimistic” people ahead of time because this blog is going to be nothing but negative and pessimistic. I just feel like I need to get a few things off my chest.
I have always considered myself to be mostly optimistic with life. Times have changed and life has gone from pretty good to completely rotten. How can “god” take a great man’s life away in an instant? It is completely not fair and there was no reason for it. And if one more person tells me that “all things happen for a reason”, I just might punch them in the god damn face. Like I said, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR THIS! There was no “lesson learned”, just heartache. I can’t go one single minute throughout the day without thinking about my dad. I cannot concentrate on anything. Someone will say something to me and I will only pick up half of what they say. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m not. Most people who are around me right now just see the crabby side and I’m sorry for that. I don’t typically show my emotional side to anyone. I wait until I’m at home alone in bed and I cry myself to sleep.
I want to talk about it with someone but I can’t seem to find the words. It feels like nobody knows how I am feeling and they cannot truly put themselves in my place. I wouldn’t want anyone to know how I feel because it is horrible and no one should feel this way BUT it would be nice to talk to someone who can relate. The only person who maybe knows how I feel is Phil because his father died as well. I know it doesn’t make it any easier for him but his dad was sick and they knew that it was only a matter of time. With my dad, it was a complete shock. There was no warning, no nothing. All I got was, “hey Jess, you’d better come to the farm, something happened to your dad.” I never want to relive that night ever again but it keeps playing in my head over and over.
I am pissed at the world, god or whoever it is that took him away from me but I’m also pissed at myself. How could I be so stupid? I loved my father very, very much. I always looked up to him and he was there for me for anything and everything. I’m mad at myself because I didn’t go over and see him as often as I should have. He was just 10 minutes away and I didn’t go over there much because I was too stubborn. Most of you who read this already know that I did not like his wife. I’m so angry with myself for letting that get between my relationship with my dad. In the summer I would go over there on Fridays because I would get off work at 12:30 and I knew she wouldn’t be home until after 5. Other than that I always made sure that they were quick trips because I didn’t want to talk to her. How stupid is that? I should have just dealt with the bad because I always loved chatting with my dad. He would always have these ridiculous stories to tell me. And every time I heard the story it changed a little bit the next time he said it. You could never trust a word that came out of that man’s mouth because he loved to bull shit. One story that I remember is when he ran over a wild boar with his truck by his house. I swear I heard that story more than 5 times. We would keep saying “shut up dad, you already told us that story”. Then he would just keep telling it and laugh at his own story because he thought he was hilarious. I have plenty of wonderful memories and I will never forget them but I am so angry that I will not have anymore. I am angry that he won’t be there to walk me down the isle when I get married. I am angry that he won’t be there to baby-sit his grandkids. I am angry that I will never hear another story 5 times in one day. I am angry that I will never see him again and that Phil will never truly know what a great guy he was because he didn’t know him as well as I did. I’m just totally bitter. Fuck you for taking him away! The pastor said at his funeral that god caught him when he fell. Personally, I think that he didn’t catch him, he pushed him.
I’m sorry everyone for saying those things but that is how I feel right now. Maybe I’ll get over it someday but as of right now I’m pissed off and I just needed to vent a little.
Dad, I miss you every single minute of every single day! I love you.
