That's just crazy talk!

Finally, Christmas is over! Yay! Well, almost… still a few more celebrations to go.

The only parts of Christmas I still like are seeing family (but not having to chose between who to go see since they are usually on the same day) and giving people their presents. The Monday before Christmas our Monday crew did presents for the Monday crew kiddos. I just love buying presents for them and watching them open them!! They are finally getting to the age that they know what presents are and they like opening them. Hopefully next year there will be 4 more kids. ;)

Christmas Eve Phil and I had his mom and grandma over for dinner. I made a yummy pork roast with mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn, buns, etc. We had the whole works except instead of pie we had ice cream. :) After hanging out for a bit they went home and Phil and I opened presents. Phil got me a mini laptop and I was completely surprised. I can usually guess what he got me and I had no idea. But I’m very happy with it. My old laptop was about 8 years old and was a monster. So it was time for an update. I got Phil a Kindle Fire and I’m excited to see how it works. Hopefully he will get a lot of use out of it.

Christmas morning I headed to Brainerd alone to spend time with my mom’s side of the family. I haven’t seen them the last two years for Christmas so I thought I would skip my dad’s side this year and go up there. It was definitely good to see everyone but I missed my dad’s side and being in the car for 6 hours that day wasn’t my favorite thing. But I fully enjoyed seeing my little sister open all her presents! She is so darn cute and she loved the zebra backpack that I got her and the cupcake shirt.

Friday I’m celebrating Christmas with my Monday crew. We are all going to a comedy club for dinner and a show. I don’t think any of us have done that before so it should be a fun new experience!! I can’t wait!

Last but not least, next week I’m having a little “Christmas” with my brother and his girlfriend. We are just going to go out for dinner. Nice and simple - just the way I like it. :)

I remember when Christmas time used to be so easy and so much fun. Our family would always go to church on Christmas Eve and then go home, eat a nice dinner and then open our presents (except for our stockings). When we were still gullible my mom would always rush to put the presents under the tree and put half eaten cookies on the counter while we were waiting for her in the truck with dad ready to go to church. When we got home from church my dad would tell us to look at the roof really close and we could see the reindeer tracks. Of course we believed him and I have a foggy memory of getting so excited because I thought I saw the reindeer tracks on the roof! Man I was gullible. Christmas morning we would wake up really early and dig into our stockings (one of my favorite parts of Christmas) and then lay around in our PJs until it was time to go.

We would always have one Christmas with my dad’s side of the family at my grandma and grandpa’s house (which was almost directly across the road from our house). My grandma made the best meals and treats!! Oh how I miss those dinners! I am the only girl on that side of the family. My aunt has 4 boys and my uncle has 1 boy and then it is me and my 2 brothers. But when I was a kid I was a tomboy so I fit right in!

We also had Christmas with my mom’s side of the family at my Aunt Laura’s house in Stillwater. It’s funny because every time we drove to Stillwater we would pass Andersons and my dad would always tell us about the time he worked there. We had heard the story a million times but he would still tell us every time we drove past there. Christmas with my mom’s side of the family was always one of my favorite times of the year. Again, I was the only girl in the family but I fit in with the boys just fine. We were really close with my cousins on my mom’s side so we always had a ton of fun together.

Now that we are grown things have changed immensely. First, my grandma passed away so Christmas with my dad’s side of the family was never the same. Then my parents got divorced and I felt like I had to choose who to go see on Christmas. Since my mom lived a few hours away it was hard to do both. By that time Phil and I had been together for a few years and I started going to his family events as well. Then my dad died and that changed my whole view on Christmas. This will be my third Christmas without my dad and I still don’t want to put up the Christmas tree. I still do it every year in the hopes that I get into the Christmas spirit but all I want to do is take down the tree. I don’t even turn the Christmas lights on anymore. At least I have very fond memories of what Christmas used to be about - family. Maybe when Phil and I have kids of our own I will be more inclined to get back into the Christmas spirit for them.

December 4, 2009 was the last time I talked to my dad. We talked for about 40 minutes while I was on my way home from New Richmond. I remember most of our conversation very clearly and I remember the end of our conversation like it was yesterday. Towards the end of our conversation we were joking around and I was telling him to stop texting me stupid and racist jokes (he had just learned to text and forward jokes so I got them all the stinkin time). He laughed and said fine, he won’t send me anymore of those. Then he said he wanted to send me an actual picture of a 12 pt buck he shot. I told him those are the kinds of pictures he can send me! I got off the phone with him seconds later and seconds later I got his text. It was another racist joke. Here is the 12 pt buck:


I remember laughing so hard at how dumb my dad could be. I remember getting home and talking to Phil about how it and feeling so proud that he was my dad.

Today marks 2 years since my dad died and I’m still not dealing with it. I thought I would at least attempt to do something about it so I decided to write how I feel. This blog is mainly for myself and I don’t care who reads this. Like I said, this is for me and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Judge me if you wish. I need to get this off my chest and I can’t seem to talk about it out loud so I thought I’d write it on paper (so to speak).

I think about my dad very often and I miss him very much. Sometimes my eyes will start to fill with tears and every so often a few will drop but most likely, they won’t. This is because shortly after I start to feel sad and miss him I get extremely angry. I have an extremely strong hate towards skank (I will not bring myself to even say her name because she doesn’t deserve that). Skank was my dad’s “wife”. She was nothing but a negative part in my dad’s life. Weeks before the accident my dad wanted a divorce. He spoke open about wanting one but he didn’t want to have to go through it again – but he knew he had to. She is the reason why my dad isn’t here today. I still can’t explain what happened that horrible, horrible night but I do feel strongly about one thing – it was no accident. They got in a fight that night so he stormed home and went to work. My mind travels from one theory to another. Either way, no matter which theory of mine I go with, she is the reason why he’s not here.

After he died her greedy, selfish ways came out even stronger. I’m not going to get into all the details of that but I just have to say that I HATE HATE HATE her so much for ruining his life and turning ours upside-down. She tortured us for over a year after my dad died by being a constant greedy bitch and yet even though I haven’t seen or talked to her in almost a year she is still torturing me to this day. I wish so much that I could just get her out of my head. I want to stop hating but I feel like I can’t get past my anger. I want to miss my dad without her popping into my head and without all of the anger I feel. I want to remember my dad and only my dad.

That’s all I can get out today.