That's just crazy talk!

Three years ago today I lost the most incredible, careing, funny, giving person I know, my dad.  It was by far the worst day of my life.  Since then I've had the two best days of my life and he has missed out on those days - the day I married my best friend and the day I had Remy.  It breaks my heart that he missed out on those days and that he won't see his grandson grow up.  There are still days that I think of something he would have thought was funny and I instantly think to call him and not even a second later I realize I can't.  The pain never goes away, you just find a way to get through it easier.

I sure miss you dad!  I would give anything to have you back.  But I know you are looking down on us and are proud of the family you raised.

December 4, 2009 was the last time I talked to my dad. We talked for about 40 minutes while I was on my way home from New Richmond. I remember most of our conversation very clearly and I remember the end of our conversation like it was yesterday. Towards the end of our conversation we were joking around and I was telling him to stop texting me stupid and racist jokes (he had just learned to text and forward jokes so I got them all the stinkin time). He laughed and said fine, he won’t send me anymore of those. Then he said he wanted to send me an actual picture of a 12 pt buck he shot. I told him those are the kinds of pictures he can send me! I got off the phone with him seconds later and seconds later I got his text. It was another racist joke. Here is the 12 pt buck:


I remember laughing so hard at how dumb my dad could be. I remember getting home and talking to Phil about how it and feeling so proud that he was my dad.

Today marks 2 years since my dad died and I’m still not dealing with it. I thought I would at least attempt to do something about it so I decided to write how I feel. This blog is mainly for myself and I don’t care who reads this. Like I said, this is for me and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. Judge me if you wish. I need to get this off my chest and I can’t seem to talk about it out loud so I thought I’d write it on paper (so to speak).

I think about my dad very often and I miss him very much. Sometimes my eyes will start to fill with tears and every so often a few will drop but most likely, they won’t. This is because shortly after I start to feel sad and miss him I get extremely angry. I have an extremely strong hate towards skank (I will not bring myself to even say her name because she doesn’t deserve that). Skank was my dad’s “wife”. She was nothing but a negative part in my dad’s life. Weeks before the accident my dad wanted a divorce. He spoke open about wanting one but he didn’t want to have to go through it again – but he knew he had to. She is the reason why my dad isn’t here today. I still can’t explain what happened that horrible, horrible night but I do feel strongly about one thing – it was no accident. They got in a fight that night so he stormed home and went to work. My mind travels from one theory to another. Either way, no matter which theory of mine I go with, she is the reason why he’s not here.

After he died her greedy, selfish ways came out even stronger. I’m not going to get into all the details of that but I just have to say that I HATE HATE HATE her so much for ruining his life and turning ours upside-down. She tortured us for over a year after my dad died by being a constant greedy bitch and yet even though I haven’t seen or talked to her in almost a year she is still torturing me to this day. I wish so much that I could just get her out of my head. I want to stop hating but I feel like I can’t get past my anger. I want to miss my dad without her popping into my head and without all of the anger I feel. I want to remember my dad and only my dad.

That’s all I can get out today.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching Bones (trying to catch up on the episodes I’ve missed) and I see a hole on the corner of the couch and the corner is soaked with slobber. It’s only about the size of a quarter but it’s a hole with stuffing about to come out. I was just pissed. This is the second hole in our couch in the last week and Winston is on my shit list. We got these couches about 5 years ago but they are still really nice couches and I don’t want any more holes. So from now on Winston is no longer trusted outside his kennel without anybody home or even if we aren’t in the room. He goes in his kennel when we are sleeping, when I’m showering and getting ready for work, when we are downstairs (since he isn’t allowed downstairs) or when we aren’t home. Hopefully he will learn his lesson darn fast. I’m so sick and tired of him being a puppy. I can take the holes in the yard from his digging. I can take the stuffing all over the house from when he rips apart his dog bed or a toy. I can take him getting into the toilet and garbages. What I can’t take is him ripping apart our couch. I love that dog but he is sure testing my patience.

Next topic. I’d love to get Vader fully potty trained. When I’m home he knows he needs to pee outside and he is a good boy and always lets me know that he wants out. When I’m not home it’s a different story. Apparently he can’t hold his bladder the 8 hours a day nobody is home – or he just doesn’t care. He also goes on the carpet sometimes at night. I know that the best way to fix this is to crate train him while we aren’t home and while we sleep but Phil says he won’t allow it. Things will need to change! I’m sick of cleaning up the house when I get home every day. Ugh, I’m so sick and tired of cleaning up after 4 animals!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next topic. Black Friday is this weekend. I’m more excited for Black Friday than I am for Thanksgiving. I’ve been more excited for BF over Thanksgiving for the last few years. Thanksgiving is no longer the same. I don’t really want to go into my reasons because it is just depressing and who wants to get depressed during the holidays. BF will be different this year. All the stores are opening up at midnight instead of 5 or 6 a.m. This kind of sucks but we are still going to do it! We (Jewells, Loin and I) are starting at midnight and will go until about 7-7:30 a.m. We are going to be dead tired by morning! I’m the lucky one I guess because I can go home and take a nap. Jewells has to go home to a baby and Loin has to work. But it will be worth it. Hopefully we will get some good stuff at good prices! I’m sure I’ll blog about it at a later date and let you know what kind of goods I find.

Next topic. I’ve been sick for a week now. Started out with a horrible sore throat and a pounding headache and now I’ve got a runny nose and keep getting stuffed up. Not fair. I’ve been sick more in the last 2 years then in the last 10 years put together! I was even sick 2 ½ months ago with bronchitis and now I’ve got a stupid cold?! WTF my body hates me. My body has also decided to be a jerk and instead of my periods lasting 6-7 days like they did on birth control, they now last 9-10 days. Too much information, I know but I just had to say it because it sucks.

Next topic. My brother shot a deer a sent me a picture of him with the deer. The picture is the exact replica of a picture I have of my dad taken a few years ago. They are both holding the deer’s head up in the box of the truck with the same shit grin on their face and the same unshaven face. The only difference in the pictures are that Justen’s hair is blonde and my dad’s was black and Justen doesn’t have a beer gut like my dad did. Other than that, he is his father’s son through and through. I wish I had the pictures to show you how exactly the same they are. Breaks my heart.

This last weekend was both great and horrible. It started off great with a dress fitting. The dress is even better than I remember. Maybe I just thought it was better because it actually fit me instead of being 2 sizes too big. Either way, I love it. She just needs to add the buttons so I can bustle it and then finish a few minor things and then I get to pick it up! But then I need to find a dry cleaner… Now that I’m quite nervous about. I don’t even want to think about that yet.

Saturday I want shopping with my gal pals. It was quite nice to hang out with just us girls – no boys or kids. I feel like we haven’t done that in a long ass time. I found a few things, like my bachelorette dress or the one I’ll wear to Loin’s bachelorette party and I found a dress to wear to my bridal shower. Two more checks off my list! After I got home from shopping I relaxed for a tiny bit and then Phil and I went to Bart’s (Rachel’s hubby) family reunion/pig roast. It was nice to see them both. I don’t remember the last time I saw Bart… it might have been at their wedding, which was a few years ago!

Sunday was when it got horrible. I woke up and decided to keep my mind occupied since I knew it would be an emotional day so I cleaned the house from top to bottom. By noon, I was exhausted. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster all day. One minute I’m sad, then I’m crabby, then I’m angry, then back to sad. So, I didn’t go with Phil to his mom’s house to visit with the family. I just couldn’t be social. This was my second father’s day without my dad. You would think it would get easier with time but it doesn’t. I get sad and miss him any day but dates like father’s day and his birthday are very difficult. There are things I still can’t do and things that I find I’m finally ready to do. One thing I can’t do is delete his phone number from my phone. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. I also can’t visit his gravesite or walk over to the bins where he fell. But something I found I was ready to do was to drive a way home from New Richmond that I thought I’d never be able to do again. I’m sure you think that is weird… But the last time I talked to my dad – the night before the accident – I called him on my way home from New Richmond. I talked to him the whole way home. There are many different ways you can take from New Richmond to Baldwin. However, my favorite way, the way I used to go, I couldn’t take anymore because it hurt too much. However, last week, after a year and a half, I took that route. It was difficult but nice at the same time. It gave me a little bit of time to cry, laugh, remember and miss him. Sometimes I feel like I’m a zombie because I don’t like to feel. I choose to ignore things that will make me get emotional and feel and I go out of my way to make sure that it doesn’t happen. I don’t want to be like that. I guess I’m writing this blog for myself. It sometimes feels good to get my feelings out – even when I’m not really talking to anyone.

I have a lot on my mind lately and I thought I would get some things off my chest. My dad has taken over the largest part of my thinking lately. I still miss him tremendously and it seems to be getting harder lately. Maybe because it is almost fall and this is when the harvesting/hunting season begins? Hunting was one of my dad’s favorite things to do. Every year he would have a new story to tell and every time he told it, it would get more dramatic and change just a bit! Haha. The last story I remember was about him driving a wild boar over with his pickup! I think I heard that story 6 or 7 times. Each time I would say, “Dad, you’ve already told me that story.” He would then laugh and keep telling me.

Things with Justen seem to be getting easier. He seems to be in good spirits lately and is excited for harvesting and hunting. Chris, however, is another story. He has been nothing but trouble lately. Threats, manipulation, guilt, anger… I was hoping that today was the day it would get easier on me but it sounds like it might be a few more weeks.

On to more positive news… I’m done with day 5 of the 30 day shred. It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but it is getting easier. When I first started I could barely finish some of the moves. Now I have more endurance and the moves that I struggled with are getting easier. I have noticed that I have more energy lately too so that’s a plus. I measured myself before I started and I will measure myself after the 30 days are up. Hopefully I will have lost a few inches! If not, then at least I got more in shape and have more energy. I just need to stick with it! Which I don’t think that will be too hard since it is kind of fun (kind of).

Last night I started and finished painting room number 2! I painted the small half bath and it is a very small room but a room none the less! I love it! It is a nice bright yellow! All I have to do to finish it is take the tape off the walls and hang the pictures and other crap back up. The house is starting to feel more like home. I’m trying not to worry about the renting/not closing part. I find that now that we are living in the house, I’m worrying about it less. I should probably worry more since we might lose it and need somewhere to live all of a sudden but I have high hopes that it will all work out in the end. Something needs to work out this year for me and dammit, I hope this is it!

After Phil’s grandparent’s 60th wedding anniversary/family reunion we met more of the neighbors. We were just sitting at home with Phil’s cousin and his girlfriend enjoying a beer and the neighbors came knocking on the door and told us to come on over because they were having a party. So we did! It was pretty fun and they seem like a fun group. It was easy to talk to everyone and get to know them since they were all pretty drunk. And I also must say that I’m proud of our friend Jimmy P. The neighbors were having karaoke and Jimmy P worked up the nerve to go up himself. He’s actually not too shabby! Johnny Cash suits him well. :-)

I hate what shirt I am wearing today. Hate, hate, hate! The only reason I keep it around is because I need variety in my wardrobe. But every stinkin time I wear it I wish I hadn’t. So I might as well give it away. It may look like I’ve got a lot of clothes but I really don’t. Most of them I don’t wear. Some are too big, some are too small and some are just worn out. Soon it will be getting colder out and I will need to pull out my fall/winter clothes. This to me is exciting since I get to go through my clothes and get rid of stuff!

Things to come in the next few months:

- This weekend we are going to the “great Minnesota get-together” (the MN State Fair). Hopefully it is not too hot out! I’m excited to eat all the yummy food! Let’s see, there will be foot long hotdogs, French fries, gyros, cheese curds, ice cream, cotton candy, etc… I better fast the day before so I can stuff all this food in my belly! Yum Yum! :)

- Next weekend is my office’s summer outing. Every summer/fall we do something fun. Last year we went on a train ride and had dinner on the train. This year we are going on a comedy cruise. I’m super excited! I’ve never been on a big boat like that and I’ve never seen a comedy show.

- Then the next weekend is a poker tournament for my pregnant friend Jewells and then a baby shower the next day for her as well. The poker tournament is for collecting diapers and you get money if you win.

- The next weekend is another baby shower for Jewells. My favorite shows also start that weekend!! (Dexter and Desperate Housewives) I miss Dexter sooo much! I can’t wait until it starts up again.

After those few busy weekends I will hopefully not have too much going on and then before I know it, it will be my birthday!! I know, I’ve got 2 more months but I’m really excited for this year’s birthday. I will be turning the big 25! Then a few weeks later Phil will be 30! :-)

That’s about all I’ve got for now. Sorry for blabbing on forever.

I had a very long weekend and not in a good way. Saturday I got up and started cleaning. Our place was a mess and needed to be cleaned. That wasn’t so bad though. It makes me feel better to have a clean house. When it’s dirty I feel stressed out. Anyways, so I cleaned the house all morning and then got ready to go over to the farm. Saturday we had the “memorial” for my dad. First we went over to his grave. It was much harder than I thought. I figured that I could handle it since it has been almost 6 months but it wasn’t easy. Now it just seems so… final. We buried some of his ashes in the gas tank of a Harley. He would be happy about that. The rest of his ashes we took up in a plane and spread over his field. There were many things that I’m not happy with. Actually, I’m quite pissed off about. I don’t remember the gravestone saying anything about him being a great son, father or friend. Maybe I’m wrong but the only thing I saw was a good husband. I can’t even describe how upset/pissed/irate I am at the whole situation. We are supposed to celebrate his whole entire life – not just the last 2 years. And the most important people in his life have no say in the matter. Fuckin stupid.

Anyways… later on I met up with some friends at Syttenia Mia (Woodville days). Basically, the only thing to do is drink beer. So we had a few at the beer tent. It was a good time. I just wish I hadn’t been so exhausted from the horrible day.

Sunday I woke up and could not get off the couch. I didn’t feel good and I was exhausted. It couldn’t have been a hangover since I never was drunk (just buzzed) and I got enough sleep the night before. Poor Phil. I was depressed and crabby all day. Oh well, what are you going to do.

In the beginning of December, 2008 Phil and I went to the US Virgin Islands to be a part of my very good friends wedding. We had a wonderful time and I wish I was there in the sun right now.

After the trip we celebrated Christmas and New Years with friends and family.

2009 started off on a very good note. I got a promotion at work (yay!). I went from being a receptionist at a law firm to being a paralegal.

Other than that I just spend lots of time with family and friends.

I made many trips up to the Brainerd area to visit my mom, sister, aunts and other family. The drive is never fun but it is always worth it.

There were some nice trips over to my dad’s shop to hang out with him while I changed the oil in my car and gave it a bath.

My friends and I continued our Monday nights and we had our annual weekend at the cabin. We also had a ladies night in Minneapolis and many more nights out at the bars/clubs.

Phil and I started a Friday night date night, which we don’t get to every single weekend, but most. Phil and I also started our hunt for a house! We haven’t found anything we want to buy yet but we are in the process of it and hopefully in 2010 we will find the one.

A few really good movies came out. The best were Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen & New Moon.

My friend Jewells and I went to two Coldplay concerts!

For my birthday in October I got a new tattoo, which I love.

December 5, 2009 my dad passed away.

2009 started off pretty good and was a somewhat good year and then December came and it was ruined. This horrible event will mark 2009 as the worst year of my life. I can only hope that in 2010 things get easier and start to turn around.