That's just crazy talk!

We have 1 ½ months until the wedding – plenty of time to get shit done but yet I’m stressed out about every little thing. Some days I feel okay and others I feel like the anxiety is taking over (like today). I hate anxiety… I get that from my mother. I get anxiety even when I’m running late. Actually, I get anxiety even when I’m going to be right on time (I like to be early for everything)! Why can’t I just stinkin relax and not worry about every little thing? I know the wedding will go just fine but I can’t stop worrying about it. My main to do list: pay vendors, finish picking out music for the ceremony/reception and send DJ our list and event profile, finish place cards (once I get all the rsvps), finish planning ceremony (vows, etc), finish garden at farm, make slideshow, and get marriage license. There are of course plenty of tiny things to do but those are the main things left. This weekend is the start to my wedding events - I have my bachelorette party! I cannot wait to celebrate with my favorite lady friends! Don't worry, I'm sure I'll have plenty of pictures to post next week. 45 more days to go until the big day!!

I am a planner, we all know this. And when I get something in my head, I have to do it right now. I can’t do it a week later or even a day later. I have to do it right away. As of July 31st Phil and I don’t know where we are going to be living. Will we be in our new house? Will we be at Rita’s? Will we be in a different house or apartment? Who freakin knows?! I sure don’t. And if we do get our wish and get this house will we even have time to get everything we need before our lease is up? I’m guessing that if we get this house, they are going to close last minute and we won’t have a washer, dryer, lawn mower and fridge when we move in. But that is the last of my worries right now. First we need to get the house. That’s the most important thing.

So I’ve got all these “what ifs” and plans upon plans floating in my head. It is getting bad. All weekend I couldn’t sit down and relax until I was completely exhausted because I had to be doing something... something to help ease the anxiety. So I power cleaned the carpets and the couches with the steam cleaner and did some more unusual cleaning. This week I’m going to paint my two tables and lamps that will look so cute in the house. That might keep me busy enough for a few days.

I can’t fall asleep at night because my brain won’t shut off. One minute I’m excited about all the decorating I want to do, the next minute I’m terrified because I think this is all going to fall through and we will no longer have a home – just a place to crash. And if we don’t get the house then for how long will we be at Rita’s? And what will we do with all our stuff? We would definitely need to put the majority of our stuff in storage but where? The last few nights I have been completely exhausted but I can’t fall asleep! Then I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain decides to start its planning mode again and I can’t get back to sleep. So today I’m stressed and tired and have high anxiety. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m more like my mother than I thought. Not good. The anxiety is really starting to get bad. Anybody know any remedies to help anxiety go away? What seems to help is doing what I can now for our house (like painting my tables, cleaning the weird things in our apartment for when we leave, shopping for little things for the house, etc.) I can’t imagine how much worse this is going to be next month at this time if we still haven’t heard back from the bank. Agh!!!

So I have decided to go back to college! That is my final decision and I'm not going to back down again! I haven't decided on where I want to go yet though. I've been researching colleges around my location and what they offer. I think the best thing for me would be online classes. It makes things much easier. Not every college offers a whole degree online. However I found three that I'm interested in: Globe University has a bachelor's program online; National American University also has a bachelor's program online; and Chippewa Valley Tech which only has an associates degree online. Do I go for the associates and finish in two years or go for the bachelors degree and finish in about 4 years? There are plenty of benefits for both. I think that the bachelors degree would be better for the future though because I could make more money. BUT I would have to put off buying a house for another 4 years! That is a huge sacrifice! I've wanted a house soo bad but we can't afford it right now. We wouldn't be able to afford it until I get a better job, which won't happen until I'm done with school. :( I'm planning on calling these colleges this week to see what they can offer me and find out costs. This is very stressful business!