Just Plain Bitter
10:59 AM Posted In dad Edit This 5 Comments »I’m just going to say I’m sorry to all of you “optimistic” people ahead of time because this blog is going to be nothing but negative and pessimistic. I just feel like I need to get a few things off my chest.
I have always considered myself to be mostly optimistic with life. Times have changed and life has gone from pretty good to completely rotten. How can “god” take a great man’s life away in an instant? It is completely not fair and there was no reason for it. And if one more person tells me that “all things happen for a reason”, I just might punch them in the god damn face. Like I said, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR THIS! There was no “lesson learned”, just heartache. I can’t go one single minute throughout the day without thinking about my dad. I cannot concentrate on anything. Someone will say something to me and I will only pick up half of what they say. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m not. Most people who are around me right now just see the crabby side and I’m sorry for that. I don’t typically show my emotional side to anyone. I wait until I’m at home alone in bed and I cry myself to sleep.
I want to talk about it with someone but I can’t seem to find the words. It feels like nobody knows how I am feeling and they cannot truly put themselves in my place. I wouldn’t want anyone to know how I feel because it is horrible and no one should feel this way BUT it would be nice to talk to someone who can relate. The only person who maybe knows how I feel is Phil because his father died as well. I know it doesn’t make it any easier for him but his dad was sick and they knew that it was only a matter of time. With my dad, it was a complete shock. There was no warning, no nothing. All I got was, “hey Jess, you’d better come to the farm, something happened to your dad.” I never want to relive that night ever again but it keeps playing in my head over and over.
I am pissed at the world, god or whoever it is that took him away from me but I’m also pissed at myself. How could I be so stupid? I loved my father very, very much. I always looked up to him and he was there for me for anything and everything. I’m mad at myself because I didn’t go over and see him as often as I should have. He was just 10 minutes away and I didn’t go over there much because I was too stubborn. Most of you who read this already know that I did not like his wife. I’m so angry with myself for letting that get between my relationship with my dad. In the summer I would go over there on Fridays because I would get off work at 12:30 and I knew she wouldn’t be home until after 5. Other than that I always made sure that they were quick trips because I didn’t want to talk to her. How stupid is that? I should have just dealt with the bad because I always loved chatting with my dad. He would always have these ridiculous stories to tell me. And every time I heard the story it changed a little bit the next time he said it. You could never trust a word that came out of that man’s mouth because he loved to bull shit. One story that I remember is when he ran over a wild boar with his truck by his house. I swear I heard that story more than 5 times. We would keep saying “shut up dad, you already told us that story”. Then he would just keep telling it and laugh at his own story because he thought he was hilarious. I have plenty of wonderful memories and I will never forget them but I am so angry that I will not have anymore. I am angry that he won’t be there to walk me down the isle when I get married. I am angry that he won’t be there to baby-sit his grandkids. I am angry that I will never hear another story 5 times in one day. I am angry that I will never see him again and that Phil will never truly know what a great guy he was because he didn’t know him as well as I did. I’m just totally bitter. Fuck you for taking him away! The pastor said at his funeral that god caught him when he fell. Personally, I think that he didn’t catch him, he pushed him.
I’m sorry everyone for saying those things but that is how I feel right now. Maybe I’ll get over it someday but as of right now I’m pissed off and I just needed to vent a little.
Dad, I miss you every single minute of every single day! I love you.
I have always considered myself to be mostly optimistic with life. Times have changed and life has gone from pretty good to completely rotten. How can “god” take a great man’s life away in an instant? It is completely not fair and there was no reason for it. And if one more person tells me that “all things happen for a reason”, I just might punch them in the god damn face. Like I said, THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR THIS! There was no “lesson learned”, just heartache. I can’t go one single minute throughout the day without thinking about my dad. I cannot concentrate on anything. Someone will say something to me and I will only pick up half of what they say. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m not. Most people who are around me right now just see the crabby side and I’m sorry for that. I don’t typically show my emotional side to anyone. I wait until I’m at home alone in bed and I cry myself to sleep.
I want to talk about it with someone but I can’t seem to find the words. It feels like nobody knows how I am feeling and they cannot truly put themselves in my place. I wouldn’t want anyone to know how I feel because it is horrible and no one should feel this way BUT it would be nice to talk to someone who can relate. The only person who maybe knows how I feel is Phil because his father died as well. I know it doesn’t make it any easier for him but his dad was sick and they knew that it was only a matter of time. With my dad, it was a complete shock. There was no warning, no nothing. All I got was, “hey Jess, you’d better come to the farm, something happened to your dad.” I never want to relive that night ever again but it keeps playing in my head over and over.
I am pissed at the world, god or whoever it is that took him away from me but I’m also pissed at myself. How could I be so stupid? I loved my father very, very much. I always looked up to him and he was there for me for anything and everything. I’m mad at myself because I didn’t go over and see him as often as I should have. He was just 10 minutes away and I didn’t go over there much because I was too stubborn. Most of you who read this already know that I did not like his wife. I’m so angry with myself for letting that get between my relationship with my dad. In the summer I would go over there on Fridays because I would get off work at 12:30 and I knew she wouldn’t be home until after 5. Other than that I always made sure that they were quick trips because I didn’t want to talk to her. How stupid is that? I should have just dealt with the bad because I always loved chatting with my dad. He would always have these ridiculous stories to tell me. And every time I heard the story it changed a little bit the next time he said it. You could never trust a word that came out of that man’s mouth because he loved to bull shit. One story that I remember is when he ran over a wild boar with his truck by his house. I swear I heard that story more than 5 times. We would keep saying “shut up dad, you already told us that story”. Then he would just keep telling it and laugh at his own story because he thought he was hilarious. I have plenty of wonderful memories and I will never forget them but I am so angry that I will not have anymore. I am angry that he won’t be there to walk me down the isle when I get married. I am angry that he won’t be there to baby-sit his grandkids. I am angry that I will never hear another story 5 times in one day. I am angry that I will never see him again and that Phil will never truly know what a great guy he was because he didn’t know him as well as I did. I’m just totally bitter. Fuck you for taking him away! The pastor said at his funeral that god caught him when he fell. Personally, I think that he didn’t catch him, he pushed him.
I’m sorry everyone for saying those things but that is how I feel right now. Maybe I’ll get over it someday but as of right now I’m pissed off and I just needed to vent a little.
Dad, I miss you every single minute of every single day! I love you.
5 comments:
Jessie
Maybe you didn’t actually want any responses to your blog, but I can’t help myself. I don’t want to be one of those pesty people who don’t know what you’re going through that just say stuff that seems like I’m pulling out of my asshole. So sorry in advance if I come off that way.
For one, you don’t have to apologize for your “negative” outlook on life currently. I would think someone was crazy if their father died and they were even fairly optimistic with life. You have the right to be down, you have the right to be cranky towards whomever you want, and you don’t have to show your emotional side to anyone if you don’t want to. You already know that everyone deals with these kinds of situations differently, and the people who care about you understand that, and will be patient with you no matter how you choose to deal with this, and for however long. The truth of the matter is that you will never get over it. He was your father, and losing him is not something you will eventually just forget about. Time will help you heal, but it will not make you forget. With that being said, it’s obvious that choosing a way to deal with/handle the situation is what will make this time better or worse for you. Maybe that doesn’t quite make much sense, but I’ll try to explain what I mean. For instance, you were saying that you are pissed at yourself for not going to visit your Dad more, and you didn’t visit him more because you disliked his wife. You can’t kick yourself for that now, because there isn’t anything you can do about that. Do you think your Dad is looking down at you right now and saying, “Yup, you shoulda came to visit me more instead of being stubborn, now you’re regrettin it sucka!” FUCK NO! You shouldn’t hold these kinds of things against yourself. If he didn’t hold your lack of visits against you, then YOU definitely shouldn’t. It’s these sort of feelings that you are experiencing that you should really try to avoid, even though it seems impossible.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that everything happens for a reason. Even though it may be true, most of the time I never get a stinkin reason for the shit that happens to me, good or bad. Just like you said, there is supposedly a lesson learned for every situation. You can’t see that lesson right now, and you only feel heartache..which is totally understandable. If someone stole 200 bucks from me, I would see no lesson learned in that, and I would just be ticked off as all get out. But in EVERY sort of instance, you have to look at the bigger picture. Right now that is hard for you because what you’re dealing with every minute of every single day is the aftermath of the loss of your father. In the bigger picture of things, your dad would not want you dwelling on your regrets or dwelling on every gay thing going on in your life. Just think if HE would have known that his time would be here THIS soon. Think of all HIS regrets, the things he wished HE would have done or gotten accomplished or things HE would have done differently!! Isn’t that a weird way of looking at the situation? I think that the “lesson” in your particular situation is that even though you don’t understand why this had to happen or why it had to happen this soon, you can get a different feel on the value of life. Whether it your own, Phil’s, your friends, or the rest of your family. Anything can happen at any point in time, and a life can be taken away in an instant with or without reason whether you like it or not. Let’s say your Dad got to have 3 more weeks, and he knew that he only had 3 weeks. During that time of his life, do you think he would be looking at life pessimistically, or dwelling on his regrets, or pointing fingers, or being a negative nancy? Probably not. Most likely his value of life would be completely different, and looking at the negatives in his life would be the LAST thing he would be thinking about! I don’t know you very well, and I don’t know your Dad at all, but I think it’s safe to say that he would want you to be focusing more on all of the good memories you DID get to make with him, the fact that you got to have such a great dad growing up, and that fact that even though this whole situation is probably the hardest thing you will EVER have to go through…you will still get out of it a different value of your own life…and a different perspective on how you should live it! I’m not saying that this means you need to stop grieving, because that’s just ridiculous. You have to grieve. I’m just saying that through all this bad bad bad stuff that you are feeling, you have to find comfort in that tiny tiny tiny tiny miniscule bit of “lesson” that came out of it. I’m sure he LOVES the fact that you are missing him every second…..that way he can see exactly how much he meant to you! But I also can bet that he just can’t wait til he can see you happy again, because that is exactly how he would want you to be! Even if it doesn’t happen for weeks, or months..or even years. I don’t know if I believe in the whole “god” thing, or if people that pass away can be “looking down” on you and seeing you live your life. But I do know that if your Dad IS doing that, he would much rather be seeing you live your life to the fullest and happily, then being pessimistic and sad knowing there isn’t anything he can do about it and also know that he’s the root of that. Do you kind of get what I’m saying? You can punch me in the face the next time you see me if I just made things worse for you, but I hope I helped at least a little bit.
P.S. You’re right, your dad won’t be able to walk you down the aisle, BUT he’ll be even closer to you. In your heart and there in spirit.
Jessie:
I know my daughters love you as a friend very dearly. And I know they want to help you with your pain. That said, I want to help.
I know you do not know me well and maybe not even enough to care but I might be able to help with words that are not so cliche' or even main stream. So please don't take anything wrong but digest it as it will take time to understand.
I have studied religion extensively and religion is a man made facade that only hurts people more than ever helped. There once was a philosopher that said that there is just enough religion in the world to make us all fight (Think about that in light of your words in your blog) But true spiritualist have a different perspective that I can relate to and even adhere to. I want to share some of that now.
While I would not say I am a Budhist, I do subscribe to some of their beliefs. One of those is that a person chooses their life before they come into this place. Each person will live many lives to reach true bliss - some thousands of lives. They will return to this place thousands of times. With that said, the Budhist would say that your dad chose his life (He could see all of it ahead of time - birth -life and death) so that he could learn how to arrive at bliss. It is a road a long long road. More importantly part of that journey your dad chose is to see how he can "help" other people "See" where they are at so that they could change a path to get to bliss also. (Modern religion calls this heaven - Budhists say we live in hell right now)
No one actually can know why things happen but I would bet that your dad (in his what most would call unfortunate death) wanted to help you in the more important spiritual world recognize the insignificance of this world. You are recognizing even now the pain of this world - the hell in it. If it gives you much comfort, he is in a truly better place even if for a moment or less and even now is or has contemplated his reentry back here. He cannot stay there as he still has to continue his journey to bliss. His journey was to help you see resentment and pain as an obstacle we must all overcome on our journeys. We learn it by experiencing it. He passed away on his own to help you overcome this obstacle. god did not push him he chose it before living this life that you got to experience with him. He laughed at his Boar story so you could learn how to laugh - he told it over and over again so you would realize how to laugh at this life - he loved you dearly. He wants you to laugh and just experience life and not get caught up "In Life". Laugh - Live and more importantly - Love and remember your dad for this great dead he did for you.
I want to leave you with this poem that someone wrote (Author Unknown)it is my favorite......
I once had a dream
Where I flew so high
I flew so high that blue turned to black
From there you could see everything
From there you could see everything and all the reasons why
Jessie - That would be bliss to me
As serious as I can be and as much of a friend as I want to be even though I have never lost a father, know that you can come here and talk (Confidentially)and I promise you, you will find your answers why? As a Reiki Master, I am here to ease pain and show a path of enlightenment. I am your friend.
Jessie & Caitlin's Dad
TIM JEWELL
715-265-4000
P.S. Some of your friends wont agree with any of this but test me and see if you don't find peace.
Caitlin- Don't worry, I don't want to punch you in the face. I don't mind hearing other peoples thoughts and opinions. I just don't want to hear someone say "everything happens for a reason" ever again! It just felt nice to release some of my thoughts about the subject.
I know I will never forget my father. I just meant that maybe someday I won't be so angry about losing him. I know that I have a ton of great memories that I can still laugh about and I will never forget those.
Jessie,
I'm glad you are letting it fly. You have every right to do so. I just want you to know that I am really sad that your Dad is gone already, and that I think about him a lot too. He was our brother in law, but that seems such an inadequate term. We were a family, we raised you kids together,and it was a fine time! Scott and I and your Dad we just were 21 when your Mom brought us together. I thought there would be the time that we would all be together again, maybe at your wedding, or at Justen's, and we would laugh it up again. Scott and I were totally shocked... WTH! My thoughts were: How could he just walk off like that? I don't know, I don't know what it means, but I do feel like I will see him again...then I will say to him: WTH?! That was horrible timing Rick! and he will probably laugh. At least we can all remember how he laughed. I do like to think that God caught him. I want to think that he will be there to catch us all.
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